Issues, Triggers, into Sabotaging Explanation

Issues are implanted by one's caregiver. A common issue taught by caregivers is that it is okay to make a commitment and not follow through on it, and not keep one's word. In other words, people are taught that it is okay to not honor a commitment. If a caregiver covers for their child when they don't honor a commitment, then they have taught the child that a commitment doesn't mean anything. When a caregiver makes a promise to a child, and doesn't keep it, they have taught the child that a promise doesn't mean anything either. Thus, when one grows up, they believe that it is okay to forget, and what comes up then, is one triggers on the person that reminds them.

 

The mechanism of the trigger works this way: when one was promised and a caregiver's word was not kept, or the caregiver did not make one as a child keep their word, nobody called the child on it. Thus, because the parents/caregivers did not call the child on it, also the school does not call the child on it, nor do the child's friends call the child on it. For one reason or another, doesn't matter why, no one calls the child on the fact that they do not honor their commitments.  So, later on in life, when one is an adult and someone else calls the person on their issue, then the person with the issue triggers back to their childhood when it was done to them, how someone else didn't keep their word and follow through on the commitment that was made.

 

So, the issue is that when it was done to an individual, that's the mechanism of issues into triggers into sabotage. Either the issue is implanted because it was done to an individual as a child, or something was withheld from the child, by a parent/caregiver. The issue is what causes an individual to trigger, and when one is triggering, one automatically goes into the reaction, into the action, which is to sabotage. Sabotaging is when one instantly feels that anger, and then says or does something to sabotage. Each individual sabotages differently.

 

 

Examples of How Individuals Sabotage Differently

For examples of how individuals sabotage, when one decides to no longer give or lend money to their children, so that they become financially independent, and they turn around and give their child money, and justify in their mind, and out loud, saying, "It's only a loan." By continuing to lend the child money is sabotaging on the parent's part because they have continued to allow the child to manipulate the parent to give them money. Others deny and say, "I never said that." Or they will accuse another person that, "You never said that." Another common sabotage is, "Oh, I just forgot, I don't know why I forgot." And also getting defensive, and intimidating, by saying, "Okay, okay, so I messed up. I messed up again, is that what you're saying?!"  In this case, the processing is if one gets angry and says that they messed up first, then the other person involved won't get angry and say it.

 

Other sabotage examples are when one has already done the action or spoken the words, and then they feel they have to confess, and they say, "Okay, I'm admitting it. I'm being accountable, I did it." The reason this is considered a sabotage, is because when one says these statements, the other individual backs off, says nothing, feels guilty for the other person that the point was brought up, so they don't say anything else, and then the person with the issue wins once again; their issue in this situation is manipulation. Another way to sabotage, through manipulation, is to beat around the bush; this action is done to get one's way, and not look like they are. An example of how people lead into the manipulation is starting the conversation with, "So, are you busy tomorrow?" Or, "Do you have plans for tomorrow?" Or, "I was just thinking, I could be wrong." Or, "I don't want to be a nuisance." Or, "I know you're busy, so maybe I should go somewhere else."

 

The trigger is, to sabotage, with whoever it is that the statement/s are being said to, is for the other person to respond, "To hell with this, I don't need this crap." Where the one that is busy manipulating could simply get to the point and just say what it is that they want to say. Reason being, for the person that is being subjected to someone else's manipulation issue, they are being positioned, and no one likes to be positioned, manipulated, or set up. The reason why people beat around the bush is that, the issue is that they are assuming that the other person is going to say "no" And the person with the issue is triggering before the other person gets the chance to respond, "yes" or "no." Thus, that is the reason why the person does not hear the response. 

 

To further illustrate, the issue is writing the script. The trigger is the sabotage of not hearing the response. The person continues stating their case, and then the other person has to say, "Stop talking, I said yes. Why do you continue talking? Why do you continue justifying? Therefore, the understanding of how to no longer be manipulative, and work through this issue, is to be forthcoming. What is the worst thing that anyone could say? "No."

 

Another common issue is when one makes jokes at inappropriate times during conversation. This comes from childhood, making jokes helped to not feel the pain, the joking around is a mask. By joking at inappropriate times, then the individual does not bring up the issue and does not let it go; this is a mask that people wear where when they don't want others to see who and what they are, assuming that others are not going to like what they are going to see. One also believes that if they appear funny, that everyone will like them. When in reality, when someone makes a joke, others may laugh and even find it funny, however, it does not mean that the person is liked. If a person is liked or disliked, people need to know one another well to make that decision.

 

Wearing a humor mask also means that there is something bothering that person, they are not facing something, whatever the underlying issue is, it isn't being addressed. When one makes an inappropriate joke or even does that nervous laugh, whatever is being said at that time, the laughter or joking stops all of the information from coming in. When an issue comes up that makes individuals uncomfortable, nervousness comes into play. It is important for people to understand to not feel as though they are being singled out, and to go away with feeling bad, because that would be inappropriate. Reason being, in spiritual counseling, addressing issues is always spoken with love, compassion, and only truth.

 

The Importance of Being Forthcoming When Addressing Issues

In addressing issues, what is extremely important, is to be forthcoming, if one is not, then they are doing the opposite, which is hiding. Denying what happened or what was said does not mean that it never happened, or that the issue is not happening. The worst part of denying and hiding from an issue, is that it always comes out, and then the person has to address it, and eat crow.One could have instead been forthcoming, addressed their issue, and worked through it, without going through hiding, denying, not being honest with them self, and feeling uncomfortable when the issue comes to surface.

 

When one is not being honest with them self, by changing a word here and there, does not make the issue any different. Then eventually when the negative happens, of course it will be found out. And then that is when the person finally is open to addressing the issue and says the words always start the same way, "I can't believe that I got sucked in again." Or, "Why didn't I believe you?" Or "Why didn't I listen to you?" Or, "Why didn't you make me listen?" Or, the person does not talk about it at all.

 

When an individual, during childhood, was not liked, loved, or treated with compassion, or affection, then they are starving for it. One will do anything in the world to get what they did not receive as a child from their parents/caregivers. These issues are implanted when not given what is needed during childhood: starving for love, affection, acknowledgement, and that when one feels threatened if one did anything, then they trigger, and they will do anything to make the other person like them. That is the trigger mechanism. The mechanism of the automatic reaction into the sabotage, and the feeling one gets is anger, and one becomes defensive.

 

How to Know When One is Triggering

When one starts getting angry, and becomes defensive, and starts justifying why one is feeling what they are feeling, is when one is triggering. Then that automatic mechanism kicks in. For instance, if something is said that is not negative and there is absolutely no reason for anyone to get upset or embarrassed about, and then they get angry, shout, and they are going to be angry with the one who is there, they will lash out, or say something that has nothing to do with the conversation. By getting angry and lashing out, and becoming defensive, is sabotaging. The end result is that the person that was subjected to the other person triggering says, "You know what, I don't want to get sucked in to this, I'm not walking down this path with you." Or, "This conversation is over."

 

Almost Everything in Life Must Be Taught, Including How to Show Love

Furthermore, if one does not grow up in an environment where there is demonstrative love, affection, hugging, and kissing, then these actions do not come naturally and they must be learned as adults. It is common for some individuals to feel uncomfortable with showing how one feels, as well as, hugging and kissing, often because as children they were reprimanded for showing and verbalizing emotions. For example parents say, "You know that is just not the right thing to do."

 

This is not to say that individuals’ parents do not love them, because most often they do. Simply, they never demonstrated the love, and thus, being demonstrative may make some people uncomfortable, until learning how to show love. In fact, learning how to show love, and be demonstrative does not come naturally in children. The only things that children know how to do automatically from birth are how to breathe and how to relieve them self, even eating needs to be taught.

 

When One Feels Anger, Annoyance, or Yucky Feelings, and Afterwards Realizes That There Was No Fair Reason for Getting Upset, That It Was Not Justified

When one gets angry over something that is not justified, for instance, someone else’s feelings, thoughts, actions, a movie, or anything else that does not directly affect an individual, then this means one is triggering and going into the sabotage. Commonly, when an individual gets upset over how someone else thinks, feel, or acts, and does not understand why the other person is in the negative state of mind, then the one that gets upset is manipulating the other, reason being they feel bad for not understanding, and so they get defensive to try to get out of that uncomfortable feeling.

 

Mean What You Say, and Say What You Mean

Often conflicts and/or misunderstandings occur based on the statement, "You can't be feeling like that, that's not what I meant. " It is essential to understand that when communicating, one must always, says what they mean, and mean what they say. There is no room to make excuses when one takes something the wrong way. When one takes another's words as they were said, in the literal meaning, is logical; while, to expect another person to read their mind and know what the other person meant to say is unfair an illogical.

 

Usually the person that took the other person’s statement at its literal meaning is the one that gets attacked, and this is the unfairness. When one reacts or responds to what another person actually says, rather than reacting to what the other person meant to say or do, and the other person does not like the way the other person responds, then the one who did not communicate what they meant denies their actions or what they said. What happens is then the person will come up with another meaning, as just about anything that is said can have several meanings, so the one who responds to the literal meaning is, "damned if they do, and damned if they don't."

 

When one is triggering, and is not in a positive state of mind, then regardless of how one reacts to the other person's statement, it will always be blown out of proportion. A common response would be, "Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant. Don't take it that way. Why do you take everything so seriously? That was a joke. ” And then, goodness forbid, if the person were to take it as a joke, then the person triggering would respond the opposite, "Why do you take everything as a joke, you know I was being serious."

 

So, no matter which way a statement is taken, the one who is not triggering is wrong according to the other person’s state of mind. When one is triggering, and going into the reaction of sabotaging, then they need a "Fix." When one needs a fix, their state of mind is that they have to put them self into a position, to annoy someone, along with who ever else is in the room, because who ever else is in the room gets it, so that they will get angry. A fix could be name-calling, degrading, condescending, reprimanding, yelling, and being verbally abusive. Also, another way of getting a fix is doing or saying things to try to get physically abused.

 

Getting a “Fix”

When one begins to become empowered, learning what not to do and say, so as not to get verbally or physically abused is the first step toward emotional independence. If one is physically abused, and the body does not heal, then it is impossible to begin addressing what is in the mind, to begin emotional healing. When one wants to begin healing, fear must be addressed. For those that are physically abused, they first must be taught to overcome their fear of what would happen if they do not go home, and instead be afraid to go home, as whichever of the two fears is greatest wins. The path to emotional independence begins by learning to realize that no one deserves to be abused. As one develops strength and courage through consistently using the Tools, then they are able to overcome their fears of an abuser and that is when one is able to get out of the abusive environment, as their desire to not go home is greater.

 

Not Letting Go

            If one does not let go of something in their past that they are ashamed of, then they will never move forward. By not letting go prevents individuals from being happy. When one has something in their past that they are ashamed of, then they never allow them self to be happy, because they are holding on to that shame.

            Feelings of shame can be triggered by a situation, scent, sound, picture, song, etc. When one is triggering, feelings of anger, being offended, embarrassed, ashamed, and getting that yucky feeling, and then beginning to justify, those reactions are all signs that one is triggering. If one has that anger, feels offended, and embarrassed, and that someone has shamed them, one must say out loud, "I am triggering, I am triggering, oooookay. I am not going to make any decisions right now, I'm not going to say anything, and I am not going to justify. I have no clue why I am triggering."

            As one knows once they are triggering, then it is important to write in their emotional journey, "I am triggering right now and I don't know why. What is going on?" And each individual must go over what is happening in their life at the time. It may be in one's personal life, or it could be connected to one's business life. It is very important to understand triggering, and when one is in that state of mind.

            Everyone feels exactly the same way while they are triggering. The physical and emotional experience while one is triggering, the clicking of going into sabotaging, is the same for all individuals. Now how one sabotages, everyone is different in that aspect. Everyone has their own unique way of how someone on the outside would see that they are triggering, because all individuals walk down a different path and manifest differently when they are triggering, because people have different people in their lives.

            What is the same is that one will always subject others to our triggering, and always subject the people that will forgive. Gender, age, child, and adults all trigger into sabotaging in the same manner.

 

 

When Another Person is Triggering, How to Turn the Switch Off, To Not Feel Their Pain, and to Not Allow it to be Draining

            As the more spiritual an individual becomes, the more empathy one develops. Thus, when in the presence of another person that is triggering, picking up the pain that is within an individual is intense. By being aware that the person is triggering and making the statement, "I will not take emotional responsibility of this person's actions." This will help to not feel the pain, nor to become drained as a result while in the company of someone that is triggering. When one is empathic and is in the presence of someone triggering, one has to block the empathic feelings. Keep in mind that when one is triggering, they are agitated, angry, and denying whatever they are feeling and processing at the time.

            Whenever a person is triggering, whoever happens to be around that person gets it. The one triggering is angry and needs a "fix." At times it is necessary to put that person in their place, to let the person know point blank what it is they are doing or saying. What sometimes is necessary to do is to bring the truth to the attention of the person that is triggering, without having fear of how they will react to the truth. Being aware is what takes the longest, once one is aware of their issue, and when they are triggering, then as it comes up, one is able to work through it, and overcome the issue, one at a time, until it is no longer a button within.